


Grief that Can't be Spoken

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Hopeful Ending, discussion of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2014-08-08
Packaged: 2018-02-12 08:53:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2103204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Winter Solider, Tony Stark shows up at Steve Rogers' doorstep. He comes with an offer to restart the Avengers Initiative and questions Steve would really rather not dwell on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grief that Can't be Spoken

“Hey, Cap. Thanks for saving my life.” 

Steve raised his eyebrows when he saw who was standing on his door step. “Hello to you too. And you’re welcome, I guess.” 

Tony Stark stood before him, in similar getup to when they first met. Old t-shirt with a Led Zeppelin Logo on it, blue jeans. Tony might have passed for an average joe, but his hair was carefully disheveled and his goatee perfectly well trimmed. 

The sounds of Washington D.C. traffic filled the silence between them. Trucks, cars, work-vehicles added their groans and rumbles to the background noise. 

“So. Are you going to let me in? I flew down all this way.” 

“Must have been a real struggle,” said Steve. “Flying down in your luxury jet.” But he stepped aside to let Tony through. 

“Completely,” said Tony sarcastically. 

He looked around the living room. It was sparse, but the couch looked comfortable and the large windows let plenty of light in. At the foot of the tv were game consoles. A few unwashed dishes from last night were still there, and Steve realized how much of a stereotypical bachelor he could be. 

“What brings you here?” asked Steve. “Must be important, since you made that simply awful journey.” 

“Several things,” said Tony. He glanced at a door that lead into the hallway. “Is Sam Wilson here? This is his place, right?” 

“His place, but he’s at work.” 

Tony nodded. “I’ll save the Avengers Initiative stuff for when he gets back then.” 

“You want to bring the gang back together?” asked Steve. The idea did peak his interest. Someone had to defend the Earth now that SHIELD was a bit of a mess right now. And he could use all the allies he could get while looking for Bucky. 

“If I can get ahold of everyone.” Tony gestured towards the couch. “Mind if I sit?” 

“Go ahead.” Steve realized what a crappy host he was being. “You want anything to drink?” 

“A soda would be great.” 

Steve went to the kitchen. He grabbed two cans while Tony sat on the couch and leaned back. 

“You said you had several reasons for coming down,” Steve said, tossing Tony a coke. 

“Yup. There’s a few hearings I need to go to, since I gave advice for those helicarriers.” Tony’s jaw tightened. “I wish I hadn’t. But having more defense seemed like a good idea.” 

“How much did you know?” asked Steve. He sat down, on the other end of the couch. 

“Just that they were being built. I didn’t know about the killing million people part. I thought they would be used in case of another invasion.” Tony rubbed his forehead. 

“I thought so. We have our differences, but I think we agree that what HYDRA and SHIELD were doing was wrong.” 

“Yeah, especially since we were both on that kill list.” Tony laughed a little. Catching Steve’s look of disapproval, Tony explained, “I’m just wondering how they thought this would be well received. Like, they wanted to kill you, an American icon. Me, hero to the people. Rhodey, also hero to the people who saved the president.” 

“You a hero to the people?” asked Steve. 

“What, people love me,” said Tony. “Have you seen how well the Iron Man merch does?”

“I think I’ve seen more Hawkeye merch around,” said Steve. 

Tony put his hand over his heart. “Ow, Captain, you wound me!” 

Steve laughed. “Sure I did.” 

Silence fell between them. Steve sipped his coke and watched Tony. He seemed relaxed, but he was staring at nothing. 

Tony broke the silence. “Why did you order Hill to blow up the Helicarriers?” 

“Well, they could be used again to hurt people…” 

“I didn’t phrase that right,” Tony interrupted, holding his hand up. “Why did you give that order while you and Bucky were still inside?” 

Steve blinked at Tony. He tried to think of a response, but he couldn’t think of anything rational, anything that would make sense to someone sane. “How did you know about that?” he asked. 

“Hill told me,” replied Tony. 

“You’re in contact with her?” 

“She works for me now. You don’t follow her on Facebook?” 

Steve shook his head. “Don’t have one.” 

“Right.” 

Again, there was silence. 

“So,” said Tony. “Are you going to answer?” He ran his finger around the rim of the soda can. 

Steve huffed and crossed his arms. “I don’t know what to say. It seemed like the right call at the time.” 

“It did?” 

“Don’t judge me. You flew that nuke into the wormhole when we could have had Thor, who's a lot more durable than you, do it.” 

“Okay, one,” Tony held up a finger. “Thor could not have gotten there in time. Two, it probably would have caused an intergalactic incident if Thor didn’t come back. And three, if I hadn’t risked my life, you wouldn’t have had to eat your words.” 

“Oh, so that’s what that was about?” asked Steve without any real bite. 

Tony was grinning. “Sure. Gave myself PTSD so I could make you feel bad.” 

Steve wanted to elaborate on the PTSD thing, make sure Tony was okay, but if Tony was kidding around, maybe it would be best to bring it up later. “I would have felt bad anyways. Once I realized that I was romanticizing my own time when I first got out of the ice.” 

“So, the men weren’t really better then?” asked Tony, nudging Steve. “Come on, say it.” 

Steve shook his head but said, “People haven’t gotten better or worse since I went under. Happy?” 

Tony nodded. “Yes. Thank you. Really glad to hear it.” 

“Good.” 

“And now that we’ve dissected my motivations for going to my death…” 

“You just can’t let things go.” 

Tony raised his eyebrows. “Look who’s talking, Mr. Tried to Enlist Five Times.” 

Steve sighed. “Yeah. I know. Pot calling the kettle black.” 

The thing was. He thought he could save Bucky from the crash, but he himself wouldn’t make it. That way he wouldn’t have to deal with the grief, and the ache in his chest he couldn't shake off. He wouldn’t wake up thinking that his limbs were frozen in place and that the ceiling above him was ice. It was cowardly, shameful and no one could know. Not with so many people depending on him. 

“You alright?” asked Tony. 

Steve forced a smile and nodded. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Do you want me to list the reasons alphabetically or chronologically?” 

“Stark.” 

“Okay, okay.” Tony looked away. He didn’t say anything for a moment. “You know. There’s stuff. I can’t tell people. Not even my best friends. I haven’t done anything wrong. Well, I have made mistakes, but the stuff I don’t want to bring up… If I look at it logically, I know I don’t have to keep silent. My best friends know my dark side, they won’t judge me. But…” 

Steve swallowed and nodded. “That’s… It’s just stupid, isn’t it? When you put it like that at least.” 

Tony gave a humorless chuckle. “Yeah. Stupid.” 

Steve rubbed his eyes. “Shit.” He took a deep breath. “So. How’re we going to restart the Avengers Initiative?” 

Tony, thank god, took the hint and started talking about getting in contact with everyone. He even made Steve laugh with a story about how he found Hawkeye in a tree. 

Sam came home from work, and introductions were made and Tony rehashed his plan. Steve slipped into the kitchen when Sam and Tony started talking about how the Falcon wings could be improved. 

Steve pulled the phone out of his pocket. He opened his contacts and scrolled down the the VA’s number. He just stared at it for awhile. There wasn’t shame in calling. The logical voice in his head said that, echoed by Tony’s words. 

He didn’t think he was ready to tell Sam or Natasha or anyone he would see all the time. He wasn’t ready to see the pity in their eyes or the confusion about what to say. But maybe a stranger would be okay. 

He pressed call and the phone rang. 

“Hello, ma’am, my name is Steve Rogers, and I would like to make an appointment.”

**Author's Note:**

> For now this is a oneshot, but I think I want to keep writing it. I want to see where this goes with Steve working out his issues, and Sam didn't get to do a lot in this story and that needs to be fixed. I'll update tags as needed. 
> 
> If you can think of a better title, please tell me! I think the Les Mis title is a littttlllleee to on the nose. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
